The Theory Of Everything....About Women

International Women’s Day can only be described with one word: YAS. What a great way to celebrate the world’s best and brightest — the superior gender if you will. Yesterday as I made my social media rounds I saw so many wonderful quotes and inspiring notions. It made me want to splash out of the water, upon a rock, in an Arielesque fashion whilst chanting “I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR.” 

However it also made me think about some of the things most of my sistaz from other mistaz tend to do on the yellow brick road to girl power. For every action there is an equal and opposite over analyzing thought. Am I right? We overthink, we plan, we change outfits a hundred times, and we dream big. International Women’s Day is needed and females are the only ones who can truly understand why we need recognition. Guys just don’t get it and not necessarily because they don’t care, but because they are clueless. Boys: educate yourselves — read below. 

All that and a bag of chips. This is a phrase, usually used to describe someone who thinks they are the shit. Rethink this. It actually describes a woman during that time of the month. She probably has eaten a snickers, a turkey sandwich, a handful of marshmallows, — all that AND a bag of chips. Do not comment on this, let it happen and get her a diet coke to go along with it. You will earn an infinite amount of points for this action. 

Many women go to bed looking like Belle and wake up looking like the beast. TELL HER SHE'S PRETTY in the morning. It will resonate more than telling her she's pretty when she is doting freshly applied make-up. At this point she knows she's pretty because she has worked hard and paid good money for various beauty products to achieve it. 

Besties with Testes — if you’re dating you should be lovers and friends. If you’re just friends you better be gay or mutually platonic. Do not fall into the friend zone with a girl you love. If it is unrequited she will feel bad and so will you. Don't pine, leave that to trees, cleaning products, and air fresheners. 

Your vibe is your tribe. If you have zero ambition it is likely that you will attract a woman with zero ambition. (Although this is hard to find, so likely you’ll attract no one.) If you want a woman who is smart, funny, outgoing, beautiful — you need to be the kind of man who attracts that kinda chick. 

Looking for someone kinky? Try someone who has read the Fifty Shades series. They may be down to experiment! Do not try someone who has only seen the movie. Entirely different ballgame. We’re talking Justin with ramen noodle hair versus present day JT. 

Watch chick flicks — this will explain a lot. Girls love these movies (and the books they steal their screenplay from) because they are full of things that women want to experience in their own lives. I won’t mention names (Josh) but some of my friends’ boyfriends have learned to love movies like The Notebook. (It is actually based on the love story of Liam Hemsworth and I. “I tweeted you every day for a year” didn’t have a good ring to it so we set the movie in the 40’s.)

Throw a girl an emoji every once in awhile. Girls overthink and overanalyze most everything especially when it comes to communication via text. If you say “okay” thats probably exactly what you mean. She may read it with a hint of disdain, boredom, or as lack luster. Reassure her with an array of smiley faces. (There are 67 including the cat styled smileys, I just counted.)

Army of Skanks. You better learn to love her friends. She needs you because she eventually wants to reproduce, but she cannot survive without her bitches. She struggles with how many bridesmaids she will have because she has a few too many girls in her main clique. (Trust me, planning her wedding is something that begins in childhood and doesn’t stop until she says “I do.” It’s probably sorted out on a secret Pinterest board as we speak— or is that just me? (DON’T WORRY ABOUT WHAT I HAVE PINNED. Just know it will be a bomb ass event —one day.)

Does this make me look fat? If a girl asks you this question, she is stupid because you’re never going to tell her if it does. If you do tell her she looks fat — good luck and good riddance. The only person who can get away with this kind of truth is an ultimate best friend, sister, or mom. Your best move is to be supportive as she spends a 30 minute minimum changing outfits only to wear the first one she put on.

The one thing you are allowed to “MAKE” her do? — LOL. It is imperative to make her laugh. A wise woman once said “happiest girls are the prettiest girls” and Audrey could not be more spot on. After all the best kind of woman is one who is pretty inside and out. If she is truly happy — thats what she’ll be. 

Read the following as Missy Elliot would say it. 
TO MY FELLAS: you’re welcome. 
TO MY LADIES: know a guy in need? — share this piece. :)

To my lovers and my haters:


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