I used to be fearless. People close to me may argue that this should not be past tense, but I believe the contrary. Thinking back on my time in high school — I don’t remember being afraid of much. I certainly did not fear rejection. Add just a few years of life experience and my boldness is still there, but tamed. I overthink. I over analyze. Sometimes in the midst of breaking down and computing even the smallest interaction — I laugh, amused at myself for peeping way too far down the looking glass. 

I have not faced much relational heartbreak but my heart has been chipped away at nonetheless. Heartache comes in many different forms. I don’t chase boys. I chase dreams and missing out on the latter almost always hurts worse. It is this type of rejection that allows the slightest negativity to creep into my brain and hibernate. For the most part it stays dormant but every so often it whispers thoughts of doubt. 

MY B. I'm being a Debbie. 

I’m happy to know I have matured but I want to bring back the part of me who was too carefree to be worried about receiving an answer I may not be happy with. This week when Throwback Thursday hits I don’t want to post a photo and embark down memory lane. I want to throwback to another time, another attitude where possibility consumed me. I want to be the vivacious 18 year old that described myself as Legally Blonde in a college scholarship interview. 

SPOILER ALERT: I got the scholarship. 

I want to lose weight. LB’s yes — but more importantly I want to lose the weight of worry. Sometimes it’s exhausting —the time we spend worrying about the thoughts of others or how they will react to our actions. I’m not here to tell you it is totally unnecessary. There are people whose thoughts you should care about but even that can be tiring! 

Sliding into the direct messages of people I don't know is easy. Digitally I am always taking risks and reaching out. This needs to go a step further. I want to tackle this season with reckless abandon. I want to try new things and put myself in situations to meet new people. My goal is to push beyond what I’m comfortable with. Being out of my element somehow always forces me to shine.

All of this reflection came to me in the shower last night. I swear it is where I do my best thinking. And my best singing and dancing too! The bathroom has great acoustics. Just saying...

What will your seasonal goal be? Push yourself. Do that thing you always wanted to do! Seriously stop reading this and go do it. 

To my lovers and my haters:

No comments